This is a True Story

In catholic school they taught me that I was a piece of play dough. That every time I touched somebody else sexually they’re colors rubbed into mine and mine into theirs. that afterwards I wasn’t all yellow anymore. I wasn’t pure anymore. As if sex taints me, makes me imperfect. As if I’m the toy nobody else will want to play with anymore because I’m now ugly. Ruined. It took me a long time to realize that it’s not true.

You and I are not play dough or puzzle pieces trying to jam ourselves into the places we do not fit. We are human beings. We are not broken or misshapen. We are not ugly or tainted. Human. We are human.

Believing in God has nothing to do with any of this. I am not trying to shed a negative light on Him. But no matter what you believe, if sex is something you do want to save or if it’s something you want to enjoy now, for yourself, you will not be ruined because you do it. You will not be a prude because you don’t.

Don’t let schooling or anybody else shame you or make you feel like you are less whole for having sex. Sex is human. It is natural. It is love.

What I do give those Catholic school teachers props for is that they told me what is not sex. If you were manipulated, raped, scared, or anything of the kind, that wasn’t sex. If you are ashamed, like me, because you were 15 and thought maybe having sex to please your boyfriend was what you were supposed to do so you did it anyways… That isn’t sex. That’s being taken advantage of.

Regardless, manipulated, raped, scared, abstinent, having sex because you want to, having sex with the person you love, you are still not tainted. You are never damaged goods.

You are always you and you are always whole. Nobody can take any part of you away from them.

You know this because every time you’ve had your heart broken, you’ve always come out the otherside. It’s okay to let some people reserve a special part of your heart and soul, but remember, you always own it. You are not damaged goods.

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On Hating the Person You Love

I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t like Tim today. I don’t know why.

Part of me wants to hash out to you guys every little thing he’s done today that’s made me boiling mad or caused me to cry¬†until I don’t really know why I’m crying anymore, but that’s not fair to not only him, but also to our relationship as well. And, if I’m being honest with myself, he hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m just feeling overly emotional and, well, bitchy.

But even I start to rethink everything in these small moments of rage. Yes, I know, “Perfect Mary Ann who always seems to have clear and concise thoughts gets… irrational? Absurd! I don’t believe it.”

Believe it, folks. I’m as irrational as they get. It’s gonna be a fun ride with me. And I hope that is why you’re sticking around.

But anyway, whether it is me feeling like he just hasn’t said the right thing or being pretty clingy, or he actually is at fault, not liking the person you love is okay sometimes. Maybe even healthy.

Like I said, I have irrational thoughts a lot of the time, especially when I’m lowkey mad at Tim. But the point is that I never act on them. I step away. I cool off. And then I remember that no matter how much I don’t like him right now, he’s the first person I want to start my day with and the last person I want to end it with. Besides Maggie, of course.

Not liking the one you love the most is healthy because it shows that sometimes it rains, that no relationship is perfect. That you can never take anything for granted. And that’s what I was doing. I was taking him for granted. All the love he gives to me, all the days he spends with me, all the time he invests in me. I treated it like oxygen and water and sleep. I should’ve treated it like food, the most delicious kind–still necessary to live and thrive, but never infinite, never always there, never obtainable all the time.

Tim tells me time and time again that he would do anything for me, and I know he would. And I’m proud to say that, although I’ve taken the “I love you”s and “good morning baby”s for granted, I haven’t taken that side of him, that hero/caretaker/in-love-with-me-for-god-knows-why side for granted. Because I feel down a lot. I do. I overthink and I get the blues just like anybody else. I miss him extra. And I know that if I texted him, “please, please, please come over. I need you so badly right now,” he would in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t even be a question. But that’s not fair. You only get so many of those in your life, and you shouldn’t use them up unless you really need them.

And, mostly, you need to learn how to take care of yourself. I’m glad that I can. I’m glad that I have books and TV shows and THIS FREAKING BLOG to separate my heart and head or just let my heart spill out. So do that for yourself. And, once that’s done, once you really can take care of yourself, it’s okay to let somebody else help. I didn’t know that until him.

So, Tim, I’m sorry for hating you today, but, mostly, I’m sorry you picked somebody as odd as me to love.

 

*disclaimer* I’m not sure how this post comes across yet, I won’t know that for a few days. But if it seems at all like I’m this crazy, overly attached girlfriend, know that’s because for a few hours today I was. That’s what being overly emotional is. But, all in all, I’d like to say I’m fair, that I treat him right, because, by god, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be with him now. He deserves all there is in this world, and I intend to give it to him, just like he intends to give it to me. AND THEN WE HAVE DOUBLE THE WORLD. Woah. Love is some crazy shit, guys.

Nothing is Permanent

At least, not if you don’t want it to be.

Not even tattoos.

I think we get so caught up in what we might look like to other people, how something will impact our future, what we should hold back on to wait out for something better.

The only permanent things are deaths, drugs, and felonies. Don’t do those. The rest is honestly up to you.

Cut your hair. It will grow back. Get a tattoo. Regret it and then get it removed. Break up with him if he doesn’t make you happy. If it’s meant to be you’ll get back together, if not, you’ll find somebody better for you.

You can always go back to school if you feel like it isn’t for you right now, you can always start school even if you’re scared.

Start writing a book. You can always stop if it isn’t going the way you planned.

Eat one piece of chocolate cake. It won’t kill you.

The only things you shouldn’t do are things that become an addiction, things that ultimately change who YOU are INSIDE. Like, too much alcohol, too many relationships, too many pieces of chocolate cake. Does any of that make sense?

I guess what I’m saying is that you don’t have to be afraid to do anything. It’s okay to let go of things and it’s okay to switch your life when you need to. I know you’re terrified of losing losing people. But the people who love you, the people you can really call home (more on them next time), they’ll be there when you get back from wherever you’re going.

I was a paper doll for way too long. Dont be that way anyway. Let anyone and everyone paint you blue, purple, gray, green, and grey skies.

It is okay.