On Hating the Person You Love

I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t like Tim today. I don’t know why.

Part of me wants to hash out to you guys every little thing he’s done today that’s made me boiling mad or caused me to cry until I don’t really know why I’m crying anymore, but that’s not fair to not only him, but also to our relationship as well. And, if I’m being honest with myself, he hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m just feeling overly emotional and, well, bitchy.

But even I start to rethink everything in these small moments of rage. Yes, I know, “Perfect Mary Ann who always seems to have clear and concise thoughts gets… irrational? Absurd! I don’t believe it.”

Believe it, folks. I’m as irrational as they get. It’s gonna be a fun ride with me. And I hope that is why you’re sticking around.

But anyway, whether it is me feeling like he just hasn’t said the right thing or being pretty clingy, or he actually is at fault, not liking the person you love is okay sometimes. Maybe even healthy.

Like I said, I have irrational thoughts a lot of the time, especially when I’m lowkey mad at Tim. But the point is that I never act on them. I step away. I cool off. And then I remember that no matter how much I don’t like him right now, he’s the first person I want to start my day with and the last person I want to end it with. Besides Maggie, of course.

Not liking the one you love the most is healthy because it shows that sometimes it rains, that no relationship is perfect. That you can never take anything for granted. And that’s what I was doing. I was taking him for granted. All the love he gives to me, all the days he spends with me, all the time he invests in me. I treated it like oxygen and water and sleep. I should’ve treated it like food, the most delicious kind–still necessary to live and thrive, but never infinite, never always there, never obtainable all the time.

Tim tells me time and time again that he would do anything for me, and I know he would. And I’m proud to say that, although I’ve taken the “I love you”s and “good morning baby”s for granted, I haven’t taken that side of him, that hero/caretaker/in-love-with-me-for-god-knows-why side for granted. Because I feel down a lot. I do. I overthink and I get the blues just like anybody else. I miss him extra. And I know that if I texted him, “please, please, please come over. I need you so badly right now,” he would in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t even be a question. But that’s not fair. You only get so many of those in your life, and you shouldn’t use them up unless you really need them.

And, mostly, you need to learn how to take care of yourself. I’m glad that I can. I’m glad that I have books and TV shows and THIS FREAKING BLOG to separate my heart and head or just let my heart spill out. So do that for yourself. And, once that’s done, once you really can take care of yourself, it’s okay to let somebody else help. I didn’t know that until him.

So, Tim, I’m sorry for hating you today, but, mostly, I’m sorry you picked somebody as odd as me to love.


*disclaimer* I’m not sure how this post comes across yet, I won’t know that for a few days. But if it seems at all like I’m this crazy, overly attached girlfriend, know that’s because for a few hours today I was. That’s what being overly emotional is. But, all in all, I’d like to say I’m fair, that I treat him right, because, by god, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be with him now. He deserves all there is in this world, and I intend to give it to him, just like he intends to give it to me. AND THEN WE HAVE DOUBLE THE WORLD. Woah. Love is some crazy shit, guys.


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